I was best man for my best mate of twenty years on Saturday....the speech went down really well generally although the bride was a little stony faced at times....oops hehe What do you think?
Ladies and Gentlemen....Boys and Girls......Welcome to my 2 hrs and 47 mins of absolute power!
Great speech there Chris....be sure to treasure that one mate..... thats the last time you`ll get to speak for three minutes without being interupted!!
First of all I must thank Chris on behalf of the bridesmaids who i`m sure you`ll agree... look fantastic....only outshone by the bride herself, Naomi
who looks absolutely stunning......Chris on the other hand just looks stunned!
Some of you know me and some of you don`t....for those that do......id like to say.....how lucky you are.....for those that don`t...my full name is "Craig would you like a drink?" .....please use my full name at all times.
I have known Chris for near on 20 years now and despite this he has asked me to be his best man
I love Chris like a brother and it`s a great honour to be asked to be his best man today....whilst i`m not a complete novice at this I am a bit nervous today…… mainly as Chris has promised me that if I made a decent speech, I would get the job at the next wedding too.
To be certain of getting it right I thought I`d look on the internet and see what I could find……and was amazed to find exactly what thai girls can do with a couple of ping pong balls.
So after three weeks of watching extreme porn I finally set to work on this speech…..I tested it out last night at Leighton Buzzard geriatric ward where Chris reguarly frequents……I think it went down well….they all peeed em selves.
Chris and I became best mates almost as soon as we met.....we just kinda clicked.... I must confess I was wearing womens clothing at the time.....but thats another story....
During our 20 yrs of friendship I have learnt a lot about Chris and have some truly great memories....one of the things I can never forget....... is how bleeding tight he is! ....I`m sure he would use his navy discount card when buying a penny sweet if he could.
Something else that sticks in the memory is his numerous drunken sleep walking expeditions.....my first experience of this was in our early twenties after a heavy night out in Watford.....We were staying at Chris`s parents that night........
When we got home Chris fell asleep on the sofa......So, I thought I would make use of his empty bed.......at around 5 in the morning I awoke to find Chris joining me in bed....absolutely starkers!
I wasn`t too worried though as he just layed on his side and went to sleep.....however.... it wasnt long before he turned around and tried to give me a cuddle.........and as much as I love him......I didn`t really appreciate him trying to wrap his legs around me....and I won`t mention his other leg!!
But that is only half the story....it turns out that I wasn`t the only person he got in bed with that night......
Upon waking on the sofa Chris made his way upstairs.... undressing along the way....completely naked he then lifts the duvet and crawls up the middle of the bed ....right between his parents....
I`m sure you can imagine dad wasn`t best pleased and promptly kicked him out the door....after briefly trying to get into bed with another family friend he was guided towards his own bed......where I was sleeping.....lucky me!
So I`m thinking maybe the in-laws should put a lock on their bedroom door before letting Chris stay for the weekend......unless your into that kind of thing of course?
I must say how lucky you are Chris...You will be leaving today....having gained a beautiful wife who is warm....loving .....and caring.......
and Naomi......how lucky you are too......you will be leaving today having gained......a gorgeous dress and a lovely bouquet of flowers
Tomorrow Chris and Naomi will be heading off on their honeymoon.....I did think North Wales was a strange choice though.....thats right innit it Chris?
You said you were going to Bangor for two weeks!
One of my last duties before I toast the happy couple is to read a few cards from people that sadly were unable to attend today
Congratulations on your special day Chris....you will be sorely missed....all the girls at the Leighton Buzzard lap dancing club
Dear Naomi....it was fun while it lasted....now your married I guess we should call it quits...best wishes Bradd Pitt
To Chris and Naomi.....hope you have a wonderful day...sorry we can`t be there from Charles Farkin....Mary Farkin and the whole Farkin family!
Also a couple of messages from people we met on the stag do at Butlins
Sally from Peterborough says " Hey Chris have a fantastic day....it was great to meet you and I really enjoyed slurping on your delicious cock......(TURN OVER PAGE)......
Mrs Ogelby says......I hope that your new life is all that you could wish for.....I had a great weekend but please can I have my wheel chair and colostomy bag back.
Anyway I won`t bore you any longer.....and so as Chris and Naomi start their new life....can you please stand for the roasting of the bride........ sorry .... can you all please stand for the TOASTING of the bride and groom.
To the new Mr and Mrs Van Geene
Chris and Naomi...
Thank you all and enjoy the rest of your day