It was a dark, slighty damp August evening. This was mainly due to having the curtains closed and incredibly wet underwear drying on the radiator. New to the TGT poker group, wobbler was first to arrive at my front door. Dressed to impress in one of the soon-to-be-banned Polyurethane swimsuits, I poured him a glass of milk - he looked quite young for a 54 year old and I didn't want to risk being raided by the cops again by serving him alco-pops. Then everyone else turned up all EXACTLY at once which I'm grateful for because to list their arrivals individually would take some time and clearly I'm a man with very little time on my hands.
To the game; the first to exit was Munk. He looked surprised (whilst I looked excited) when Butty revealed his pair. "Didn't see that one coming" shouted wndll which was a strange thing to do as he was sat only 14 inches from Butty. At this point I was feeling good about myself, lingering between 4th and 6th. "No violins for me tonight" I was saying to myself over and over - this was because I had recorded a Paul McKenna style "feel-good" CD to listen to at the table.
All of a sudden wobbler showed AA against fudge's 1010. fudge was knocked out... as he left his chair and slipped on my son's soft toy collection. The game continued and suddenly Fella decided to turn the screw into wobbler which was no way to treat a newbie. His suited A-something outdrew wobbler's hand. Meanwhile I was forgetting to play with typing this review. I realised this was why I was still in the game! wobbler's appearing a lot in the review tonight but how can I not mention he was desperate for a pee with about 15 minutes to go until the break? I turned on a tap but nothing, he must have a good bladder that's all I can say. As soon as I turned on the tap, he went all-in against me... it went from me thinking he was going to wet himself to me wetting myse... folding, folding yes... folding. By this time I had 10x BB which is really the minimum I like to have. So I thought "4/9 all-in!" and no-one called and then I had JJ and did the same to the same effect. I shouldn't be telling you the art of pokering but I've made so much from poker ($36.56) over the seven years of playing that I want to give a little back.
All this time, Andy was slumped in his chair absolutely p*ssed out of his skull. "Do you think he's ok?" asked the pizza delivery guy who'd just arrived. "He just muttered something about Craig Bellamy coming back to Norwich so I guess he's fine" Fella said as we all tied the pizza guy up Boy George stylee realising none of us actually had any cash. "What you doing guys?" he exclaimed. "That'll teach you for sending us "Dear Pizza Lover" spam through the post!" replied slim who I couldn't actually see which was fitting for his name. Slim fitting I guess *boom boom*
I was now 9th out of 11, the smallest stack at my table. I was still reliant on all-ins to pick up blinds. wobbler called my all-in, he had 33 and I had 44... I thought I could hear violins but thankfully it was just Curtis Stigers. Suddenly wobbler was gone in a hand soon after. I missed how as I was googling whether there was one G or two Gs in "Stigers" at the time but I've a feeling Butty took him out. The final table opened just in time for everyone to leave and have a pee. Strangely people stayed around to chat so Lord knows what kind of state they're in.
The comments of "gl all" flowed but I could tell no-one meant it - mainly because of the two fingers being stuck up at the same time. helmuth was at the table - I remember him from winning the first tournament two weeks ago, I made a mental note to not play him. Bubbles was here too, I had already made a note on his profile he was very good/excellent so I made a mental note to not play him. I went through all the others at the table and the conclusion was to not play anyone. But hey, I was 4th out of 10th - what was I scared of? I guess it was just that fear of losing my chips to one person instead of being able to lose them in a more controlled sharing manner.
Anyway, after being seated for the final table, I made everyone get up and dance after only one hand. Butty claimed he didn't want to sit next to nintendo who had been on a curry diet since the turn of the century. So I sat nintendo between myself and newcomer poker-donk. "Can you stop calling me donk?" tod1999 said. "Anything for you" I said as I stroked his knee in circles, a common technique used by many of the WPT pros. Bubbles went out AQ against AK from nintendo. Bubbles exited to the Super Mario Bros theme throwing his fist in the air and promising nintendo that it wasn't the last he had seen of him... which was mainly due to this being part of a summer league of poker games brought to you by TGT in conjuction with NoxWin.
Now I was 6th out of 7th after checking down a hand with Fella who showed pocket Kings against my pocket Queens. I desperately wanted to say "That's the finest pocket king I've seen for sometime" but remained silent because I have a reputation to keep and it's not going to be helped by seducing the men at the table. Then I realised Bella was at the table, "hey mamma, how you doin'?" I typed into the room. For some reason "mamma" was shown as ***** so it simply appeared I swore in the room. AK I got, all-in I went... no call. The blinds were hideous by now so I went all-in again with 67 from 1st position... no-one called. I had clearly built up a reputation of being a reserved player playing only premium hands like Gus Hansen.
Bella then outdrew poker-donk on the river. I wanted to say "mamma, you outdrew him big time!" but realised Noxwin would show this as "*****, you outdrew him big time!" I would have a lot of explanging to do and really, I don't need the stress in my life right now after being diagnosed as a muppet by my doctor. 5 left and I was in 4th. "Holy crap, I'm on the bubble" I shouted. "Get off me you freak" shouted Bubbles back. By now, Bella was clinging on which was a nice feeling. And then it happened, the blind forced Bella all-in. How would she be dealt? The answer: 84 and Fella was an automatic caller with his whopping 73. The 3 hit and Bella was unluckily out on the bubble. I got dealt AA on the BB, everyone in front folded, damn! Then KQ, everyone folded. Then I double though with AQ against AJ of Fella who had more chips than was actually in the game. Then I was out, hitting a middle pair but Fella hit trips. I wished him well by throwing my Vanilla Slice at him. I sat in the corner, jealously watching Fella and Butty go at it. And on that note, I shall leave it there for another week.
*** Congrats to Butty on his win this week ***