TGT Poker Club - Winter League 2009 - Week III Review (MusicBox)

"Week 3 of the 2009 Winter Poker League saw a cavalcade of impressive motors driving up the private lane to my country mansion - the most beautiful of settings for a November night’s poker meeting. How the competitors arrived I do not know, but I was quite surprised a hen night could have gotten their directions so very wrong.

Once I had taken everyone’s jackets (in the case of Nintendo this was done quite forcibly as the alarm clock he was wearing on his necklace was caught in his puffer coat) it was time to “sit down, shut up and deal, b*tch” as Srh1984 rather rudely informed my 67-year-old butler, Gregory. Thankfully Gregory has seen such behaviour before having entertained Bella on a number of occasions – one time, he ejected her by the hair when she arrived as “Angelina Jolie from Tomb Raider”, but I’m sure that’s the kind of story you don’t want graphically explained.

After ten minutes, pro gambling force Andy and TimRoberts were the only two players with stacks in excess of 3000 chips, whilst Srh1984 and Cripery were the only two players with stacks containing less than 2000 chips. Now I would never accuse such fine people as Andy and Tim of stealing, but I’m sure I wasn’t the only one who noticed this appeared to happen when the lights went out and Munk went off to find a scented candle. Why he couldn’t just flick the switch on the fuse box is anyone’s guess, but to be fair, within minutes we did have a really fine ‘forest fresh’ aroma in the parlour.

Hippo, Global, Rudloph and Fudge were four of the eight players out before the break through no fault of their own – in fact they were a bit overly keen to blame the people who knocked them out. As they left their chairs to relax on the silk-upholstered sofas in the corner, Spurs noticed a banner being waved frantically outside the window. “What the hell is that?” asked Yid4ever. “I can see the word ‘coalition’” said Maddog. “And I can see the word “Christian” said Bubbles. Then all 19 of us shouted in unison: “Get the crossbow!” By the time Gregory had returned from the upper East wing with the crossbow, the intruder had disappeared, but Butty snatched the crossbow and bravely went off into the dark woods.

As the final table formed, Iscasino heard the letterbox open and close just like a letterbox does when something’s been pushed through it... unless it’s soup and then, admittedly, it sounds a bit different. Or a firework I guess. “Something’s been pushed through and it’s not soup” Wobbler said. “Is it a firework?” asked Dreamer. Gregory went off to see what it was. “It’s a note” he said. “It reads... ‘You may have gone underground but it’s not underground enough for my liking. Can you feel the heat of the earth’s core? I think not. You must therefore go deeper underground before you ruin this for everyone, mostly me, but for everyone. You and your type are evil. DIE DIE DIE. Before you know it you’ll be wearing striped shirts and appearing on a sofa with Lorraine Kelly you sl*ts. If you don’t take this note seriously, I’ll post another one through your door in my other handwriting so you’ll think it’s from someone sharing my view and that your foe is not only determined but is in fact as combative and as large as the Swiss National Army. You have just 1 hour to stop ruining my life, otherwise Butty will not be returned.'” We sat there sweating and trembling. The crystal meth was wearing off. More importantly, there was still a €43 first prize to be won.

So, who was going to win some money? Well it wasn’t me as I went out on the bubble when my pocket As were smashed by an off-suit 27. If I had collected a £ for every time this had happened in my illustrious poker career, I would now be able to enter a satellite game for the Scunthorpe youth poker tournament next year. I'm not bitter though.

Anyway, on behalf of TGT, let me congratulate Spurs for finishing 4th, Iscasino for finishing 3rd, Wobbler for finishing 2nd and Dreamer for winning his first TGT poker tournament. It was a very impressive display and a beautiful acceptance speech he made as I handed over the trophy. “This one’s for you Butty!” he said with a tear forming in his ultra-tight jeans.

Until next week, may the pro gambling force be with you!"